Monday, May 16, 2005


I graduated, and it turns out that school was the only thing that gave my life any purpose.

It also turns out that I made some of the worst possible choices with my education.

Seems an associates degree in computer information systems should be able to get me a $12 an hour job around here. This whole computer thing that I thought would always be in demand is over supplied.

I was worth $12 when I started this stuff a couple of years ago, I was worth $12 five years before that when I got out of high school. I'm worth $12 now, and I've got myself a few thousand in debt.

If I get a bachelor's degree, some company might give a shit about me.

If I had gone to a different school, I could get a bachelor's degree at that school, but this one only offers associate's degrees.

If I had gone with intent to transfer, I could have taken some classes that fucking transfer, but I went with the intent to get a degree, and now I have one where most of the classes do not transfer.

Some colleges, like the University of Northern Colorado, will accept the whole degree as a transfer of 60 credits. That is, they'll take some degrees. They don't take an Associate of Applied Science.

I worked at a nice restaraunt in high school, the kind with waiters, and a bar, and everything. It was good money for a high school job. Once I graduated I got a job with a desk and a computer, a job you dress up nicely for. It was the kind of job that pays for your school, if you go. I didn't go.

The company started to have a few problems. They stopped paying for college, but I wasn't going anyway. I had moved out into a nice apartment and was still enjoying life, but really thinking I wasn't doing enough.

I started taking some classes at the local community college. It went for about a year. I liked it, but at the rate I was going it would have taken me five more years to get a two year degree so I moved back in with my parents, left my job, and started going to school full time.

Two years later I'm done.

I'm twenty five years old, and no better than I was seven years ago. Meanwhile my younger brothers and sisters are all in decent schools at decent times, and my older brother is a cop, just like he always wanted to be.

I still don't know what I want to be, what I want to do, or how I'm supposed to get there.

It's too late now to admit that I'm not a huge fan of computers. I know a pretty good amount about them. They usually do what I tell them. I used to think that that would be good enough, that I could make plenty of money off of that, and that I could use that money to do things that I actually cared about.

I am such a dumbass, and I hate my life. I would give anything to go back to when I was about halfway through high school, and have a redo. I don't see any more options from this point. Without being able to transfer most of my credits it's got to take me like, at least three more years to get a bachelor's degree.

I don't want to live here like this for that long. I don't want to be a burden on my parents. I don't want to be some pathetic jackass living in his parent's basement. I can't respect that guy, and I don't know how anyone else could.