Sunday, August 21, 2005


This month is not going as I had hoped. I've sort of given up on the whole novel bit. Temporarily anyway. I wrote for about one day so far this month, and I just didn't seem to have the motivation to go on with it. At least, not with all the other stuff I've got going on right now. What with work, and looking for new work, and doing stuff for church. I'm a bit disappointed with the situation, but I'm thinking maybe I'll try this mess again in October. October is a more fitting month for the mood of this book anyway.

My sister got married this month. The reception was good, I assume the ceremony was good. I can't say anything about the open house, that was today in Utah, and I'm in Colorado. I should have gone. I could have made some arrangement to drive down there while everyone else flies, but it seemed kind of pointless to drive all day, hang out for a bit, mostly with people I don't know, just to sleep and drive all day to get back. I should have gone though. There are a few people up there who I know, and like quite a bit, who were unable to come out here for the reception. I talked with them on the phone a bit today, but that's not really the same thing. It's not like I had better things to do today, mostly I just screwed around, watching TV and wishing I had something good to do. Pathetic. A man my age should be able to figure out something plenty good to do.

If I did go though, I wouldn't have been able to drive my friend Jane (not her real name) around all day after work yesterday. She is having car problems, and I suspect is not real happy with her life. Her temp job ends in a bit over a month, and she's thinking of moving to Utah to stay with some friend out there. I personally can't see myself moving somewhere for no reason. Not right now anyway. I just can't see anyone doing that unless they think they can get away from something. I've talked with Jane a bit about it though, and she seems pretty confidant that this is what she wants, so she really should go. I just wish I had something I wanted to do that badly. I feel like I'm just rotting away not going anywhere. I am going to miss her though. Last night driving around I was really able to open up to her as we were talking.

I don't open up and talk to anyone in real life. That was the problem with the last girl I was dating. I don't believe I've mentioned her here. It was after Jade, and after the thing that never really got going with Alice. Alice by the way is married now. Same wedding date as my sister, and the guy she married is an awesome guy. The two of them are going to be great together. This other girl though, I really liked. I don't know that I loved her, or anyone for that matter, but we would talk a bit, nothing serious. I hung out with her and her family a lot. I like her family, dad's a bit off though. I actually hung out with her and a bunch of her friends at her place for quite a while before we started dating. Thing is though, I never initiated anything with her. No hand holding, no hugging. If anything was to be going on it was only because she started it, and I went along with it. She found it frustrating, and told me so, and I agreed, but I never did anything about it. She kind of ended things after that, just like she started them. We still hang out sometimes and claim to be friends, and still I think she's great and all, but it still seems a bit awkward.

Anyway, I told all of this to Jane, and a bunch of other stuff. She just asked the right questions, and pushed just hard enough. Speaking of pushing, she pushed just a bit too hard with her foot on my windshield. Just a note to anyone out there, if you have a crack in your windshield do not for any reason put your foot on it. It takes surprisingly little pressure to make the crack into a much bigger crack. No shards of broken glass or anything, and it's an old VW beetle, so I can't really be too mad about the damage. I know she didn't mean to, and I've got holes in the seal around the windshield where the rain and snow blow in, and the thing stinks permanently like gasoline inside anyway. If I had a real job I'd get a new car. I could probably afford one okay with my current job, but I still don't want to think of repairing and inspecting fire extinguishers as my real job. It's good honest work and all, but what the hell did I go to school for it this is going to be my life. I should be better than all of this. I should be a lot of things.

I guess I just need to grow some balls. I need to figure out what I want from life, and I need to get out there and take it. Could you believe I still don't really know what I want to be when I grow up, and I'm about as grown as I am ever likely to get, baring some freak radiation which should kill me but instead gives me super powers. I've got to get me some of them.

I'm just not as sure as I used to be about the whole computer networking thing. There is just a huge problem with the supply and demand of IT professionals here. And as one of my teachers put it, computers are lifeless and you've really got to do something for your soul. She really wanted me to become some kind of artist. If I had no need for money I might have done that. Instead I chose the highly lucrative computer field, and I've still got no money to speak of.

I think that's what I hate most of all. All throughout school, things just seemed to be falling into place. The classes that I needed were always available, I ended up just falling into a degree and a heap of certifications. Things lined up effortlessly. I thought maybe it was because This was exactly what I was supposed to be doing with my life, and I thought that God was helping me make something of myself. It all just seemed to fall together too perfectly to be coincidence. Now, I don't know what to think. If God was helping me, why did he help me into this. What am I supposed to do now, and where am I supposed to go.

This is why I'm a bit jealous of Jane here. She has no more direction in life than me if you look at the facts, and what each of us have, but she manages to pull it out of thin air. She's all excited to drive her and her stuff all out to Utah, move in with a friend, and start looking for work. She is really loving this, loving life, and loving people. I can hardly tolerate any of those, and I don't know where or how she gets any of this.

Anyway, this post is about long enough, and it's got to be like two in one month now, so that's about my limit. I must have gone over everything in my life by now. I'll probably make a new entry next month.